looking out my window, I see petunias on my deck, beautiful ones that are in full bloom now. but i do not feel beautiful at all, nor do I even see myself as being in full bloom.

Perhaps I am just a bud, but I don't even feel that out there...more like a thought that is looming as a bud in progress. I do not know whether or not i am a good bud or a bad bud. I feel hard, calloused, and out of sorts.

I am not myself, but a conglomeration of people, all wanting to talk, all afraid to talk, all wishing we were not here...all tears are gone, disappeared...we do not know where they have gone, but we are not ready to cry anyway...we feel dead, as if someone had already committed some kind of sui...we know we are NOT dead, we just feel that way...

the problems we have right now have to do with us and the emotional pain from being in the state hospital...a very difficult pain, one that has been sitting within for a very long time and which is now burning a hole in the midst of us...very sensitive to the pain, we writhe in the midst of it, overwhelming our senses and causing us to spring inside in horror...we hurry the littles into the playroom and shut the door, and then hurry down the stairs to close the door at the bottom of the stairs...with both doors closed we are keeping the littles as safely as we are able to...the tweens and teens and adults are put on high alert, and the protectors restructure the walls wrapping the walled off ones with more insulation and walls so we are unable to hear their anger and frustration...all the other protectors are at the doors to the outside...allowing only those who are stable enough to be out, and pulling them in when they sense any danger at all...and all the littles are safe and sound, happily playing in the playroom, Beth and her attendants helping in whatever way they can...

so we are forced to be out sporadically, and then someone else comes out for a while, and then...we dance a delicate dance around each other...we do not know each other well, so it is giving us time to get to know others inside who we have not had contact with before...we are finding out new things about others we never knew before, things which help us help them when they ask us to help...otherwise we respect their opinions...as we want others to respect ours...it is a delicate balance and we are not having fun at all...

someone please hear us...please understand what is going on and how you can help...please...help...