(((((((((((granite)))))))))))))))

Why do you think it is you can talk to friends/H/son/co-workers, but not T? Is it because you are afraid of the things you need to tell her? Or....???

It used to be VERY VERY VERY hard for me to talk in therapy. I didn't want to tell him the stuff that I knew I needed to tell him to feel better. And I didn't want to just sit there and "blah blah blah" about "stupid" stuff, so I just kind of ended up sitting there being REALLY uncomfortable and quiet. And I might manage to eek out something like "it's hard to talk" and T would say "what makes it hard?" and that would kind of shut me down again.

I learned to talk in T just by practicing. I talked about not being able to talk. A lot. And talking about that and surviving made me feel brave enough to talk about other things sometimes.

I remember that I used to say things and then just LEAVE. I guess my body was still there but I was GONE. It was just so scary. And there were sessions where I honestly, truly said one sentence "the blinds were closed" or whatever. Ugh!

Now that I've been with T for a few years, it's easier, but there are still, to this day, things I just can't open my mouth and say. And so we sit there and I tell him "i can't say it" and I just don't.

One thing that T did for me once that was so gentle and so big was letting me write it down and then not even reading it. I was so torn up and he asked if I could write it down and not show it to him, and I nodded, so he got me paper and pencil and I wrote. And he murmured "good girl" "good work" and when i was done we shredded it. And he never ever read it, but it was OUT for right then. That went a long way towards trusting him.

I asked him recently if he ever had things in therapy he just couldn't say, and he said he did, and I asked him how he dealt with it, and he said that he imagined himself on the edge of a cliff and he just took a deep breath and JUMPED. I've had to do that lots of times - but the thing is, when I jump, I don't fall into an abyss...T is there to catch me, to set me down gently, to help me find my footing again.

I know you'll work through this granite. Just take it a step at a time.