Thank you much, Oceanwane and Elliemay.
Sometimes I think I test the therapy waters a whole lot...
It is like I don't trust that I can ever be "clean" enough to be respected by another person after all the junk in my past

I will keep on just being honest with my T. He really is the best fit for me. And after thinking tons last night about my actions this week (I ended up needing to call T at work Thursday morning from a VERY VERY VERY bad emotional place at work) ... and thinking about stuff that I was feeling, I believe I really do want to stick around. It really is just that this pain that can overwhelm me sometimes still makes the immature little me panic. And from even the time of about 5 yrs old, I was ACTIVELY trying to figure out how to SU. That was due to the CSA that was chronic and from various sources. So I am still trying to learn from T how to be a mature adult with all these emotions when they hit. To my little kid mind, that was the only way I saw out of pain. Now I know that option is too easy to take IF I ever really wanted it. So there is something making me not follow up on my hours of research. I think that "something" really is this new HOPE my T is showing me I can have. It's just really hard moving through this healing. Therapy does hurt.