not sure if this is more about my bipolar or PTSD; for the last ten years since my boyfriend died I have had increasing anxiety and flashbacks in the month preceding the anniversary of his death (Sept). I usually sleep long hours to avoid feeling pain. Last year was the first year that I did not have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

I had been feeling pretty stable since 2007 when my doc put me on selegiline and clozapine and some hypnotics to help me sleep. For the last week I have been sleeping 12-18 hours at a time. My son has asked me a couple of times if I am okay. I emailed a little over a week ago to schedule an appt to see my Pdoc. His receptionist told me I owe about $280 and I need to get my balance below $200 and he had some openings for Thursday. I had recently received a check for $1000 that I was not expecting when the guy who has a gas well on my property said he was going to lay some more pipe so he paid me for right of way. All I had to do was drive four miles to the bank to deposit the check and call and pay on my Pdoc bill with debit card. No energy; couldn't do it.

I had a meeting scheduled for Thur 4pm with the therapist that TLC hired to help me with hoarding. I really wanted to talk to him because I feel like I am not being a good parent right now (my son is 21 y/o with no HS degree nor GED and he has made no plans for education or work, I brought him a book to study to get his learner's permit to drive but all he does is play video games). I had to cancel that appt because I cannot find the energy to get a shower. It has been at least a week since I had a shower. Sounds like a small task but I am having difficulty with it.

I have lost interest in my horse. All I want to do is sleep. In addition to the anniversary of my BF death TLC will be airing my segment of Hoarding: Buried Alive tomorrow. Some good news - I sold one of my model horses online yesterday. He is one of my best. I paid $850 for him and as part of my Ludicrous Sale I advertised him for sale for $3500. That is a heck of a profit. I will use the money to save to buy a used car for my son. The girl will be making time payments until he is paid in full so I get to look at him for a bit longer. I am glad to know I will have money coming in but sad that I will not have my horse for much longer. The organizer said something recently about model horses not being a reliable source of money and I told her yesterday how much profit I made on this horse and she said well good then you can get him packed up in a box ready to mail. I said no it will be close to a year before he is paid in full and she could not seem to comprehend why I would want to keep him out to enjoy his beauty. I guess she does not understand they are art. I am pissed at her because her answer to organizing my house was to put everything in boxes and trash bags. I only have three pairs of jeans that fit me and now I can only find one pair. She really sucks as an organizer.

I don't know if all this will blow over when we get past September or not. It really sucks. I need cat food but can't go to the store until I can get a shower and can't seem to pull myself together enough for that.