I know that it sounds like a stupid Q, but this really plagues my life!

I seemed to finally have my life back on track. I'm getting SSI; divorce and bankruptcy have been finalized by courts; haven't worked for one year; and am continuing to re-build happy & healthy relationships with my 2 girls. I give back to the community by donating one day per week to visiting an elderly & alone lady. It makes both of us happy.

Now the tricks. My PCA mentioned that I should return to work. She's thinking about home health care for me. It's brought up A LOT of panic inside of me. My doctor filled out some long letter to my bank, to excuse me from a federal loan ~ due to my brain injury and ongoing depression. The doctor told me that I wouldn't ever be able to go back to college, and I should stay away from nursing. My epilepsy doc also told me that it might be best for me to stay away from work. I am then better able to be a good mom and have better control over my seizures.

However, the income is puny, and I can't go much longer without some additional cash. So, what do I do? I don't want to F up the progress that I've made in the areas mentioned...I'm scared that I can't handle any job. My memory stinks! Names of people, things, places, numbers are extremely hard for me to learn and recall. That's a simple fact, due to my brain surgery & traumatic brain injury. My PCA thinks that I just need to try something. I can't think of a job where I wouldn't need to recall names or numbers. I really hate the thought of trying a job and sucking at it, looking like a dumbarse. I don't want to put myself out there!

Adding to my anxiety is the paranoia that I've fallen back into my pattern of simply avoiding being alone, by becoming so deeply involved with my bf. Years ago, when with my ex-hub, I'd get paranoid that I didn't really love him & was simply avoiding being alone. I freaking hated that feeling. It was/is terrifying! Many years later, and I'm suffering that intense fear again. Fudgsicles!! I try to figure out if my fear has simply been pushed all across my world, or if I really don't love my bf & I need to get out of the relationship.

How do I know the truth?? I was with my ex-hub for many years. I can't feel real confident in that I ought to know whether or not I really do love my bf. It feels so complicated to me ~ I don't want to deal with it. But I also don't want my world to get worse again, because I avoided working with my fears.

Congratulations if you've managed to read this far, and I thank you. I feel so lost.... I hate it!