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AtreyuFreak · Aug 21, 2010, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

Sometimes when we write we post it without reading it for we know that it is all we can do to push that send button, especially when that delete button seems to loom huge in the background almost screaming to push me. And many times it almost seems it could push itself.

Sometimes when I write or another writes we go over and over it making sure we have not said something we shouldn’t or maybe something we should but are terrified to put out there. Our words are all we have and all that were not taken from us. Even though we have said that over and over again it is true.

I so identify with this. It almost feels impulsive at times; I'll go back and reread what I wrote and regret being so honest...It feels like if people see us for what we really are, they'll be repulsed (us meaning my system, not you lol).

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Knowing that the very ones who were supposed to love you and care and who you would turn to because there was no one else to turn to even in abuse, become part of you and almost as you in a way. They feel all en-messed within you and you wonder if you are of yourself or do they know your every thought and every move.
Maybe that seems crazy to others and does not make any sense but when that is all you have known it screams at a volume you cannot turn down or even turn away from. Yes, they say a lot of things that you asked over and over if they are real or true, or are they just lies----of which many we are figuring out for the first time.

I think a lot of people can identify with this. My own fear of having kids undoubtably stems from the belief that, like it or not, I carry a part of my mother with me, and I don't want to subject any child to that.

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It meant the world to us that someone would take what we feel and believe seriously enough to care enough to do that for us...To have someone care enough to try to help us stop that very terror that fills us meant more than all the money or anything in the world.

Even if people don't understand what's going on in our heads or don't know why we act or feel a certain way, they can reach out in any way they know how. And to know that someone cares, even if they don't understand, means the world. It makes the hard parts of life seem bearable, so long as we get those little gestures once in a while to remind us that the good guys aren't all gone.

Quote:

When we write many times it is to allow ourselves to see our own truths. Many times we can say something but to have to look at it is when we then have to face it and look at it and see it for what it is. We write this for ourselves so that someone will know we are here and that we really hurt.

This statement is SO amazingly wise...we sit in awe that despite how much hurt you're clearly dealing with, you're still able to reach out and help the little people like us (Tre's system). And I feel the same way. For the last year (minus this past week), when we had a horrible writers block, it felt like someone had cut out our tongue. Without writing, we couldn't express ourselves; couldn't make sense of our own thoughts; it was literally as if we'd lost our only real voice. And the worst part? If we can't write, then no one else can be helped or guided by our writing. That was always the most amazing thing to me; I'd write to sort out my own feelings, and other people would find my words inspiring, helpful.

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What would others think if they knew what we hold so deep and close for fear of being heard or known? And does it really matter? It is our heart that is shattered and it is our hell no one else’s. We reach as we can with our words that come from within ourselves. And all we know is it is real and it hurts more than anyone knows. We can only write what we know or what we feel and we can only share as we can.

I've thought this exact thing so many times...That if the people that care about me were to know my darkest thoughts, they'd reject me, run screaming and never speak to me again. But that isn't my fault, nor is it yours. These feelings are here for a reason; we can't be faulted for having them. I think it's how we deal with them, how we overcome them that matters more. So many times I think I'm alone in my emotions; then I'll write, or read someone else's writing, and I'll discover I'm not nearly as alone as I think. Just like with this post.

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Some days we feel like we are drowning, some days we feel we are standing still, but everyday when the feelings come that turn upon myself I know I need to keep going.

This statement reflects how infinitely wise you are. You are very strong, for even realizing this. You only win if you keep going. You're winning every day by doing what you are

Thank you for posting this. I know it's hard, but we are here, we know how you feel. Sending you lots of safe hugs.