Hello Unico,
I can really relate to your situation, the trauma, the PTSD, and the concern about medication. I finally gave in to my doctor and am taking Xanax. I still feel odd about it, and my partner (of 14 years) doesn't even know I take it. That is how at-odds I feel about it. However, I have decided that I need the help. The medication does help keep my mood manageable. If I don't take it, I suffer much more, and so do those around me. Anxiety, PTSD, any mental illness or disorder is just like any other illness. If I were a diabetic, I don't know that I would feel shame around taking insulin. Therefore, I allow myself the relief I deserve from a pain that is not my fault. I hope you too find some relief.