I've decided to give up this week. I've been trying to battle my shortcomings for a very long time. I'm accepting that I will always be alone. I've decided the only way to make life tolerable is with drugs and alchohol. I didn't used to drink and never did drugs. I've holed myself up in my apartment and am doing nothing but smoking weed and drinking beer now. Weed isn't really doing it for me. If I had the social connections I'd do anything and everything available. Of course, if I had the social connections I wouldn't feel the need to dull the pain of lonliness and depression. I know it's a stupid road for me to go down. I've stopped caring though. I can see clearly nothing will ever get better. I'm not going to put myself in a position to get hurt yet again by another "friend". I just want to feel good. The way I feel now is not tolerable. And since I can't have what I need (love and friendship) I will fill the emptiness with whatever I can.