Don't know what to say about your struggles. Things can get too overwhelming at certain times of the year as we remember the anniversary of a tragedy. I lost my brother in 2003 to leukemia. Every spring I think about him...I do the rest of the year too, but it's different then. All I feel I can do is to send you hugs and the motivation that it takes to do the things that are necessary, but seem oh so difficult. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. You deserve happiness.