I owe my brother some money & I am not able to pay him back as soon as I
thought I would, so I emailed him & told him on Friday. When he loaned me
the money, he told me to pay it back "whenever".

I got an email back from him preaching at me about how I need to get a job
& that everyone has problems, I just need to "lower my expectations" in
order to find a job! WTF? Lower my expectations? When I was laid off from my
last job in December 2008, I'd been there almost 14 years & was making
$19.00 an hour. I've applied to jobs that are part-time & that pay half that
per hour & I still haven't gotten hired! I told him that & his response was
that our state's unemployment rate is only 6.8%, so I should be able to find
work. How cold is that?

My brother owns his own business & he's done pretty well throughout the
economic problems that began in 2008, so he doesn't understand what it is
like to struggle just to put food on the table or to do shut-off notices from
the water company. He's always been better-off than my sister & I, in part
because he's better at handling money. He has no idea what I'm going
through.

I'm really hurt that my brother is like this, but he's always been like
this. He knows nothing about my emotion problems or the job I had & lost last
week...just because of this reason. I know that if he knew about what
happened last week, he'd rip me apart emotionally. He has no sympathy or
understanding towards me regarding my issues. However, our younger sister is
another story.

This makes me feeling even more useless & more of a failure. I am doing
the best that I can but it just doesn't seem good enough, for life or for
myself. It is hard to just get by through each day feeling the way I do. I
don't need "family" making it worse.

I see the doctor this afternoon for a psych referral. I hope I find someone who can help me regain a handle on the sadness & pain in my life. I also have two job interviews this week, one for a pretty decent job near my home & one for what the temp agency lady said is "a crappy job" that I don't know if I can physically do.

I'm still dealing with the tonsillitis and sinus infection as well. I hate being sick, I really do. Everyone in my family (brother, sister, father) think I enjoy it because, when I was 15, I went through a period of being a hypochondriac. I'm 44 years old now but they won't let me forget something I did when I was 15 years old! Whenever I get sick, I feel like I have to apologize to everyone around me & somehow prove it is real.

My step-daughters start school in one week & the youngest one is really unhappy about it. She really doesn't want to be living with us, doesn't want to be going to a new school, & it seems to be that she's not even trying to make the best of the situation. She's 14 & had to come to live with us because her mother lost her trailer park rental space. I know it is hard to start over at a new school without the friends you're used to, but she doesn't have much choice. Her school is only 4 blocks away but she's afraid to walk to it! She wants someone to walk to school with her every morning! She told me she wants someone to walk with so "she won't be lonely". It is starting to get on my nerves but I'm trying to be understanding & supportive.

I'm just really feeling down right now.

Kim