This is a topic I've refrained from overly discussing on here, because I'm really touchy about it and worry about what people say. I've talked bits and pieces about it, but never wholly discussed it. I've been run out of two forums because people attacked me for trying to discuss my relationship (or lack of) issues, okay, so I find it hard to word this stuff. That is because I really talk about it with NO ONE. I avoid it with most people, or only talk about some stuff. A lot of this is just me repeating myself, but I figured I should make a thread about it.

DON'T attack me for any of this. This is not hating on MEN, just the men that have hurt me and my family. I'm not going to be run out of a third forum for trying to get help. I'm really scared to talk about it because I don't want people to get mad.

I have never had a relationship, I've never been on a date, I've never done anything. The reason being, I am terrified of intimacy and, had some not nice things put in my head that I won't discuss as to not upset people, because that's where I really get attacked.
I get EXTREMELY envious, to the point I'm in tears, when someone I know ends up in a relationship. I always try to find the bad in their partners so I have less reason to be envious and make myself feel better.

I hate to talk about this so much, it's humiliating, I really don't like it when people say 'oh your only young, you will find someone'. It's got nothing to do with me being young and not being able to find someone, it's to do with the fact I am SO terrified of intimacy that once when a male friend put his arm around me while we were watching a movie at his house that I nearly passed out. It's to do with the fact people think I'm a lesbian or religious or a prude or can't get any. It's to do with the fact people use it against me. It's to do with the fact that although I'm only 22 now, I won't always be 22, but I could always be single and alone. It's to do with the fact I don't have that kind of trust. It's to do with the fact I find MYSELF so repulsive that I can't even think of myself in that kind of way, doing those relationship things.

There are many reasons I feel this way, I guess the main reason being all the negative male influences I've had. My grandfather is an alcoholic and has a temper, my grandmother keeps her mouth shut. So it has now become this generational thing- my mother has been promiscuous, she's had abusive relationships and been with men who are alcoholics and drug addicts. I also used to get a lot of male attention when I was younger, especially from men who were a LOT older than me. I had a lot of bad experiences just from people I'd never eve met.

Both my aunties are divorced, one is divorced from a guy who now has barely anything to do with my cousin and my cousin EXTREMELY resents him. My other aunty was married to an abusive nut job who forced her to have sex while they were married, abused my cousins, went to see a prostitute, and when they were getting divorced, went out of his way to cause my family hell- taking my cousins interstate on the weekends my aunty was supposed to have them and not telling anyone where they were (so my family would be worrying thinking he kidnapped them while they'd be happily camping and fishing and going to zoos in another state), he lied and over exaggerated things about my family in court so we'd all look crazy and he'd look like the good one.

Now my aunty is engaged to another lunatic, who has been accused of paedophilia, including apparently touching one of my cousins chest, he is also an alcoholic, he was abusive to his ex wife, and he has now convinced my aunty that she is too depressed to work and that again my family is bad, so now she has quit her job and refuses to talk to anyone in my family (I saw her at the shops a few months ago while I was talking to a cousin and she wouldn't even look at me). The reason he's done that? So that once they are married, his true colours can finally come out and she will have no money to get away and no family to turn to, she will be trapped with his **** and have no way to escape. It's taken him over 5 years to get to this point.

My cousin has also been in abusive relationships and has been sexually abused, I didn't see her for 2 years because she was with this guy (actually my aunties fiances son), he wouldn't let her go for a walk down the street by herself, he used to beat her up. She is also very promiscuous, she was having sex with her boyfriend before they were even together, she had sex with guys in the past just for sex. Now she got pregnant and was going to have an abortion.

Then there's my mothers relationships, my father, who I only met 4 years ago is an alcoholic twat, and his girlfriend thought I was calling him to buy drugs when I phoned up to tell him he was my father. I haven't seen him in 2 years now, and I rarely speak to him on the phone. He is a very pitiful man, and has a real cocky defensive attitude, calls me names and tells me I don't appreciate anything.
Then of course, there is her ex. The most evil person I've ever met. I won't even bother going into that or I'll be here all day, but I will say I ended up with nothing but the clothes on my back sleeping with no bed in a flea infested empty house in the middle of winter. I lost my entire life because of him, all my clothes, all my photos of growing up, our entire home. A lunatic.

I didn't see a lot of positive intimacy, any that I did see was just lies for control and manipulation, or when my mother was having sex with guys, She had sex with one guy in my bedroom while I was in her bed when I was maybe 10 years old, she had sex with a guy while I sat and watched when I was 3.

So, the thought of a relationship terrifies me, I CANNOT end up like that. But I have so little trust, and such a repulsion for intimacy. I feel like I'm going to end up alone and a crazy cat lady. I already have 3 stray cats hanging out in my yard, I don't know where they've come from. Plus I've had this overwhelming urge to by a kitty for myself. It could end up being 2, then 3, then 20.

The thing is, I'm starting to get very, I guess the best word to explain it, spiteful, when people I know are in relationships. I can't cope with hearing about the things they've done together, somewhere they went together, or something they received as a gift. I feel so rejected, and that lifelong feeling of not being wanted by people and not being good enough comes back. Nobody buys ME gifts, nobody tells ME how the feel, nobody wants to be with ME.
And I know it's not as simple as 'getting out and meeting somebody', I know that the right person has to come along that is willing to stick around and take my crap until I can trust them. But that will never happen. Hell, I wouldn't want to be with me either, except I can't exactly avoid me life others can.

Do I just give up and forget it, and accept I am alone forever? I just don't know what to do... and thanks for wasting your time to read this, I know I've always got something to whinge about.