(((Evening)) - I think you're correct in your explanation - the way you were raised among a sea of negative relationships, has soured your perception of being in a positive relationship. It's kind of the opposite of wearing 'rose colored glasses' and having this fairytale image of what relationships are supposed to be like. Hopefully with therapy you can end up some where between the two.

For now, I think you should focus on forming good friendships with men. Look for honest, kind men with good values, since drinking/drugs would obviously trigger you. Try not to assume the worst will happen. Allow yourself the permission to trust and fail. I think you're assuming it will go bad, so what's the use in trying.

Anyone who agrees to love, usually experiences pain and that's okay. I'm sorry you saw negative examples of relationships and I understand why you feel this way. Relationships most likely won't be perfect but you shouldn't protect yourself just to avoid that pain and forsake the pleasurable times.