I'm on no meds currently, not by choice but because of bad side effects (2 saddle pulmonary embolisms) or they just dont work. And its been 4 years...

I guess I am called "refractory"

I feel the side effects to the meds are worse than the bipolar itself. So instead of having a large amount of uncontrol in my life, I have a controlled cycle since I usually sit in the depressed mode and when I get hypomanic I am productive but it doesnt even last a week.

Any cycling is traumatizing and if anyone is ever wondering why they feel worse or the cycles get worse I think its because of the added trauma just from having all that instability in their life. Thats where I am at now. Afraid of feeling good and when I do I know it will end but when...