I here ya Unico, I hate to think about it but I guess the suicidal ideations are always there and I dont understand them at all and then add my shutdown to my pdoc and therapist, I live in a body that I dont know or understand anymore

But, I do remember as a teenager being the same way so either I have been depressed/bipolar but as a milder more functioning version all my llife till 4 yrs ago when it totally went out of control and I cant figure out why. And it doesnt matter why it's that i dont know how to keep functioning anymore. You feel the same way?