I cancelled my session for today and rescheduled for tomorrow because I was out of town and wanted an extra day to play.

I really feel kind of conflicted about even going to T tomorrow, though. It feels like a million years since I saw her last week. I think it's because it was a very disconnected type session and I never did feel like my T was really there with me. Then we had this kind of rupture and I think I worked through it but it was just another thing that makes me feel less close to T.

I've never missed or postponed an appointment before, and doing that has kind of opened up the idea to me that I have been building more of a life outside of T. Also last week we didn't do trauma work and I'm not particularly wanting to go back to that.

I guess what I'm not doing a very good job of saying is that I feel kind of distant and withdrawn from my T right now and it feels GOOD in a sad kind of way. It's much less painful than that I NEED T feeling I have grown so used to. Part of me wants to just prolong the separation, prolong this feeling I have right now of not needing T so much.

She told me she's going out of town later this week, so I guess that's part of it too. Why go in there and open myself up and dig up all that pain, only to be alone with it again?

I'd like to call her right now to cancel for tomorrow but I'm afraid the minute I do I will regret it and freak out. Kind of in a catch-22 here