This thread and poking from family members gave me cause to open the door to meds. I have reached the end of my tolerance level going it without meds so I talked with my new GP about trying the meds. Treading slowly I accepted a script for 25mg of Seroquel nightly in an effort to at least regulate my sleep. Since he has no real experience treating bi polar I wasn't comfortable edging into mood stablizers or anti depressants under his direction. If I were to take that step I would need to engage a Pdoc was my thinking.

Anyways the last week with the Seroquel has not gone very well. The first night was good. Asleep within 10 or 15 minutes and out for a good 9 hours. It was wonderful. Tuesday I didn't take one because I stayed up too late. The good sleep the night before had me almost manic with energy and I didn't want to slow it down and stayed up most of the night only getting a couple of hours sleep the next night. Wed on I was more disciplined. Set a reasonable bed time and took my pill but it didn't knock me out anything like it did the first night. The struggle to get to sleep was as bad as ever but once I did get to sleep it knocked me out for hours. When I did wake to an alarm or on my own I felt very hung over. The hang over feeling lingered all day. My mood cycled and at least once each day I struggled through a meltdown. The fatigue triggered overwhelming emotions.

I saw the doctor again today to report on the effects of the Seroquel and to review recent bloodwork to check my thyroid. I had been struggling with fatigue, weight loss, appetite loss and rapid cycling and I really thought it was all due to my thyroid being out of wack. Turns out my thyroid is good and everything else checked was good too so still no explanation for the symptoms.

The doc suggests I reduce the seroquel by half but he admits he is drawing strays because he doesn't know what else to suggest. He offered me an anti-depressant but I said not yet because I worry since I cycle so rapidly it could be a problem. I hear anti-d's can increase suicidal ideations and I have enough of those without them to take that risk. In the end he said give it a couple of weeks on the reduced dose and if I am still not getting sleep without the hangover he would refer me to a pdoc to look at other med treatment.

I struggle with the feeling that this med trip is all I feared it to be. A long long journey through a new kind of hell in hopes the gamble will pay off. In hopes the bliindfolded science will somehow magically spin out a miracle. I think one needs to believe or at least have confidence in a course of treatment. I am struggling to find that faith and confidence.

I will take my 12.5mgs of Seroquel tonight and see how it goes tomorrow. Unfortunately I need to make a living somehow and zero to 4 hours of dragged effort to function every second day isn't going to cut it. I will take the pill because my family wants me to make an effort with meds and I guess because I am lossing hope I can get any better without them. I am just not sure I will get better with them either. Finding that out for sure could just be the straw that breaks my back. What will I have to consider if meds fail too? I think that is behind my fear right now. What if they don't work? Its one thing to refuse them for whatever reason. Its another to find out they don't make a difference.

Not sure this was the right place to share my recent med experience but since this thread starting me on this journey it seemed the right place to me.