Thanks AA. Talking myself out of the anger has taken a lot of practise. I am not always successful. My smashed up labtop is proof of my most recent explosion. Same with self harming. Much less frequently but every now and then when the anger gets so intense I will pinch myself until I bleed just to transfer the pain somewhere else until the rage breaks its hold.

When I do choose instead to talk myself down from the anger... and I do think it is a choice, though one needs to make it quickly before the will to make the choice fades... it begins with focusing on my breathing. No matter the mood extreme it always begins with attending to how I breath. When I am angry my breathing is either short and rapid or almost non existant. Choosing to focus on my breathing is a deal I made with myself. It has become more automatic as time has gone on but it started with a personal promise. I was tired of the effects of my anger let loose. I was embarrassed and the repairs to the damage I caused to walls and doors and windows etc. were getting expensive. The after meltdowns were getting to be too draining and I needed to find a way to stop letting the anger own me. Now when I get angry I hear myself reminding me of my promise. Its that promise that sends me into isolation to do the work of breaking the rage. From focused breathing I move into speaking affirmations to myself. For these initial steps to help at all I have to honour a second promise. I don't let myself think about whatever it is that set off the anger until I have managed to slow everything down in my head again. I am not allowed to bring the anger into my isolated place. I am there to let it go not to let it grow. If it helps to motivate me to keep choosing recovery I remind myself how badly I will feel if I let the anger get the better of me. I tell myself how much more I want peace then distruction. I tell myself to choose to slow it all down until I am well on the road to finding my peace again.

In the best scenerios I might eventually journal about whatever it was that triggered me and if it involved someone else I will look for a perspective that can give us both a learning from the experience. What was the trigger and how can I, how can we do better going forward.

I know needing to isolate isn't a good thing. I am so hypersensitive to even the slightest stimulations of everyday life that I don't know how else to keep myself from one extreme response to another. If I limit my time outside of isolation then those times engaged are much higher quality then if I am strained to keep composed. The time I spend with my son is pleasant if it is in short intervals.

If I don't know on my own that it is time to retreat my son is quick to say 'don't take it out on me'. That usually gets me to either recognize it is anger getting a hold and choosing to breath it out or leave the room to do the work to breath it out.