Hi Fool. I hear your pain and I am sorry so much is pilling up on you right now. It will get better.

I am a 56 year old woman and I know it can feel like we are at the end of our life but in really is all about perspective. I remember when I turned 50 and when my dad called to wish me happy birthday he said 'well girl you are half way there'. Me being the downer that I am most of the time just thought 'OMG I can't do another 50!'

My point is you are not as old as you think you are. There a zillions.... well maybe not zillions.... but lots and lots of stories of people in there 60's, 70's and even 80's finding love. You are never too old. Love will find you again if that is what you desire. Your current desperation is causing you to think it won't but it found you at least twice before and while they didn't work out it says to me it can happen again and maybe the next time it will work out.

While it is easier said then done I know..... you MUST stop with the negative self talk. You can't see the light if you are heaping darkness all around you. You will never find your way if you are consumed with berating yourself.

You might start by finding a good therapist to talk to about everything that is going on. Aside from the relationship questions you need to address you own mental and physical health issues. You are trying to get to the prize before you are well enough to even recognize it let alone attract it to you.

I wouldn't make any decisions about the relationship you are in or the one you fantacize until you have regained your health. You are trying to skip this step. It sounds to me that you are getting progressively sicker. A loving relationship maybe your eventual goal but you are not in a healthy enough place to be going there right now.

Get healthy. Yes it will take time but you have more time then you think. You really do. We aren't that old. Not in the grander picture of our lives. If you take care of yourself you could well live another decade or two or three. That said you are old enough to make sure the next relationship is a good one. That is is going to last and be more fullfilling then the others. No more dress rehersals. All the more reason to get yourself in a position to choose and maintain a healthy, loving, happy and lasting relationship.

Believe. Start there. Believe you are entitled. Believe anything is possible. Believe in yourself. Believe that with some help you can get yourself well enough to know what you need to do with this relationship and what you need to do to fullfull your desire to be in a lasting loving relationship. Believe and be nice to yourself. Enough of the 'I am pathetic'. It serves no useful purpose to beat yourself up and think only gloom and doom.

Trust me... been there... done that.... be grateful you didn't have to deal with menopause. Get it.... men on pause. Hey maybe that is what is up with your current housemate. She may be going through the dry, stay away, I don't want sex cursee of menopause. Took me a good 5 or 6 or 7 years to find my mojo again. By then it was too late. He'd moved on.