My dear firefly,
OH! How I can related. For this reason, I have chose to share my story with you as you might find some similarities. Most of all, please realize you are not alone.
In the course of my disease, I spent my teens and early twenties self medicating. Not only did my mother mortgage her home to put me through a short term residential rehab, I also spent years in and out of 12 step programs. It was so frustrating watching others achieve abstinence from substance abuse and recover through working the steps. When I did the same thing, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't attain the serenity and hope that I saw others acheive and ultimately relapsed. It wasn't until after a long term bout of severe post-partum depression and two years of continual abstinence from all mood and mind altering substances that I was finally diagnosed with bipolar 1. Suddenly, all of the pieces of the puzzle came together and I saw why I could not recover from 12 step programs alone. I finally understood my history and necessity to relapse. Without the substances I was abusing, I had no hope of recovery as I could not regulate my mood disorder and without long term abstinence, I could not correctly be diagnosed.

It has been a long, arduous seven years since my diagnosis. I have had to endure several years of the doctors adjusting medication that are absolutely necessary but have horrible side effects. I had to relinquish custody of my little girl as I was to sick to care for her and did not want to model dysfunction for her. I had to resign from my career in biomedical research at a university as I was to sick to work. I have been hospitalized on psych units where I was denied my support system and my dignity. I have had to endure the judgement of friends and family members shrinking away from me, due to the stigma of mental illness, almost as if I was contagious. I have survived four extreme suicide attempts. Finally, I gave up on myself and isolated, rarely leaving my home. I abandonded all of my interests; reading, quilting, cooking, going to the beach. I felt like all my accomplishments were negated by my illness and I was little more than a drain on what few societal resources there are.

Yet one day, I crawled out from under the covers, determined to find a solution rather than continue to live in the problem. Being medicinally compliant was not enough. I started to attend NAMI, DBSA and Alanon. I started reaching out to others, even when I was shaking in fear of doing so. I went through many counselors and self help books before I found cognitive behavioral therapy and how to use the principles of rational emotive behavioral therapy. Finally, I found work as a recovery coach assisting others who were suffering from a dual diagnosis illness.

I am not professionally licensed to tell you what it is that you are suffering with but as the saying goes; if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck... it usually is a duck. I have since learned that 6 months abstinence from mood/mind altering substances (not prescribed and taken as directed, including alcohol) prevents those who are qualified from making an accurate psychiatric diagnosis. Finally, just because you have one condition, does not mean that you don't have the other. There is a high percentage of people with mood disorders who also deal with addiction, hence the term dual diagnosis.
In addition to your psych history and substance abuse history, the timing of having your last child also alerts me that you may be suffering from bipolar. There are two distinct periods of oneset, one in the late teens, the other is after having a baby. The important thing to know at this point is that if recovery is possible, you must treat yourself for both conditions.
I certainly hope that I was able to add some clarification although it seems rather apparent that you know exactly what is happening with you. If you have any questions or want to vent privately, you are welcome to message me directly. Of course, continue to post and tell on your disease. When we share our problems with other people, it is like slicing a pie into several pieces and serving it to others as well, you wont have nearly as much to consume.
Best Wishes and God bless,
ptk