Thanks for the advice BlueOctober! yea i keep a journal here at home. not an electronic one...I always feel someone can hack it...I find good hiding spots. lol...but anyways. Your exactly right, she does associate cheating, and suicide and is scared. She's told me herself that she doesn't want to have to worry about me committing suicide. And i don't know if i ever would, but I do think about it terribly sometimes, and it does freak her out. Not to include that since I have that impulse reacting sometimes, there are trust issues and everything in between. So, I mean we've been together for 5 years and managed to seperate once every year. 3 of them as a result of me, 2 from her. But like I said earlier, I can't force her to stay. I've offered to go to therapy and marriage consuling, anger management and she won't have any part of it. because of her past, she went into therapy when she was 16 and refused to take part because she doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her. But I'm not saying she's crazy or anything, but she does have her issues that she would rather run from than talk about....so..my hands are tied. But i will def. have to check out that book. I haven't owned a library card in years though, think I owe fines. But i will def. work something out to read it, the more literature to help handle all this, the better...