I went to my session, of course. No matter how much I think I don't want to go, I always do. I guess that's good, although I have kind of a fantasy of someday being so busy and having such a full life that I don't think about therapy & forget to go. That is.....so not where I am right now.

It was good. Hard. We reconnected, that felt good. I held Ts eyes for the longest I ever have, not that it was that long but it felt long. Her eyes are beautiful.

I didn't bring a diary card with me, which I always do, because I didn't want T to know how much I've been drinking. I figure I can get away with that once, because I never forget my diary cards, but if I keep it up she will figure it out.

We talked a little bit about where we are going in therapy (that after we are done doing this kind of exposure where I tell the story, we will start in vivo exposure. I'm familiar with that from all the reading I've done, but T has never talked about it to me before.)

Then we went back to me telling the story. Just pretty much picking up where we left off 2 weeks ago. I didn't get any further in the story but I'm not surprised by that. It was REALLY hard to say those things, even though I've said them twice before. It is probably the worst part of a horrible story. I don't know if I will ever be able to tell it without difficulty.

I had a pretty intense flashback at one point. I hate that.

T said some really reassuring things about my progress, and I told her I needed to hear that it's okay that it's taking me so long and that it's so hard. She said, what you are doing is okay. It's not okay that this happened and that you have to talk about it, but you're doing it right. That felt good.

so, that was my session. I don't know how long it will take to finish telling the story. I don't know how many times I'll have to tell it before I can get through it without dissociating, and I hate not knowing. But I feel like I AM making progress and that my T will be there with me, no matter how long it takes.

Mostly right now I'm just numb and tired.