I also go back and forth between thinking I'm remembering a lot and almost even feeling confident that it doesn't get worse than what I do remember. And then I have days where I feel like there's just nothing there. Like if I go far enough back in time, I don't even exist.. aside from a sense of something dark and ugly and horrible.

I have not c*t. I have wanted to so badly, especially over the past year or two.. I think the main thing that keeps me from giving in is the fact that I have 5 kids home with me ALL. THE. TIME.

Today a repetitive though running through my head was "If a person could die by sheer will and desire, I'd have been gone a long time ago."