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Elysium · Aug 24, 2010, 11:03 PM

Uugh.....

I feel like I'm on a very fast carnival ride that is spinning and spinning, and I'm getting ready to hurl and pass out, but they won't let me off the ride. Everybody looks blurry and they all look like they're smiling and laughing and pointing at me as I whirl by.

Those who are familiar with me probably remember what I went through last year with being unemployed...and that I got a job in February and I have been catching up on bills and able to pay rent and buy food...and living has gotten much more comfortable......

Well........the floor dropped out!!

Two weeks ago I lost my job. I was ten days away with being through my trial service period of six months. I had a job interview the morning I was let go and it was for a permanent position and I would have been set. Well....apparently I pissed a few too many people off a work by reporting certain unethical things that were taking place there...and I didn't follow the unwritten rule of "Keep your mouth shut and do your job". So, yeah....now everything is back to falling apart.

I just moved into a really nice townhome three weeks ago....and now....I can't even pay Septembers rent on the first. Most likely, since it was a termination, I won't get unemployment. If I do, I will get a total of $1400.00 a month.....and my rent is $1200.00. How am I going to live off of that. I'm seriously scared to death!! I might have to live out of my car!! I could go to a shelter, but I'd have to give up my animals...and they are my family. They keep me going. If I don't have them...I have no reason to stay on this pathetic planet and I might as well just die. I'd rather live in my car with them then live in a shelter without them.

Jobs are hard to come by right now....everywhere. A bit harder in the state I'm living in, for my profession. The good news is I got a call for a job interview....it's in a different state. I have very little money left....and I'm going to have to use it to buy a plane ticket for an interview. What if they don't like me...then there's no job....and no money left....I will have wasted it all on a plane ticket for nothing!!!!????

Further more....what if I get the job? Then I have to execute an inter-state move in a matter of two weeks time or so.

Everything is spinning....did I mention that?

I have to completely detach myself from the emotions of it right now because if I don't....I feel like I will just brake down and not be able to keep going. So I am walking around like a zombie robot, just going through the motions and grasping at anything that will keep me from going over that edge. Sometimes I can't help it though and I just bawl my eyes out. And I just have to keep pushing it back.

I feel like a failure who's trying to pass themselves off as a winner. Someone's gonna figure out that I really am a nobody....then they're all gonna know and I'll know a whole new level of shame and devastation.

Why do I keep doing this? I really don't know.

Everything is spinning. Did I mention that?