((((((((((( Evening)))))))))))). Your not alone hun, I have at times had similar thoughts and feelings. The most important thing I have learned (and don't kick me, I know this sounds cheesy and cliche) is that we have to love ourselves before we can learn to open up fully and trust and love others. I am terrified of emotional intamcy on anything past a friendship level, I know I want a romantic partnership but I also know I have a lot of work to do to overcome my subconcious acts of pushing others away and building up my walls. I was involved with a man for about a year and a half long distance, he ended up just walking out of my life without so much as a goodbye, at first I was furious, rageful, then severly hurt and heartbroken, as the time has passed (about two months now) I have come to realize that my fear of emotional intamcy makes me choose people who are never going to be emotionally avaliable to me, until I learn to work through the fears and where they stem from. So much of your posts reminds me of things I have thought, journaled, talked to my T about. Please don't give up, you have taken such a brave first step foreword to healing by sharing all of this here with us, your not alone, and I hope by sharing things I struggle with it helps and maybe can give you insight. The beginning of a journey begins with the first step. Remember you are worth care,concern and love. Keep posting, keep sharing, and feel free to pm me anytime.