aww, thank you all so much for your hugs & posts .

i dont know why im getting so down. i'm having a good time when i go out, but then i get home and i completely slump. it's such a disparate and disconnected feeling to how i might have been feeling earlier in the day/night. e.g., i've taken up dance classes and i've found myself a dance partner who is really lovely and i'd had a really good time on monday night and then yesterday it just felt so unreal because i felt so down. right now i'm feeling good and it feels unreal to me that i posted this last night in so much distress. what on earth is going on? (answer: beginning of a depressive slump. this is always how it starts ).

to reply to some posts (if i've missed someone out, i'm sorry -- my attn span isnt the best right now):
i went off the meds on july 10, so it's been almost 7 weeks now. i went off them because i'd initially increased the dose and had intrusive suicidal thoughts and pdoc was on leave and austin-t was away and i didn't know what to do other than to go off them completely to make the thoughts stop.
re: withdrawing from austin-t... we've had a few meh sessions and then last week was pretty bad and now i'm really angry with him. i shut down when i'm angry, and that's no good because i trust him very little to begin with. so now i trust him even less and there's no point seeing someone i dont want to share even the most innocuous details of my life with (e.g., he asked me what type of exercise i'm doing but i didn't tell him that i've started dance now because i don't want to share anything with him).

thank you, googley. i needed to hear this. maybe i'll try to see pdoc when austin-t is away.

aw, this is the sweetest thing ever. thank you . i keep thinking i should change it because maybe no one else likes it but i'm glad someone else does .