I know the insurance problem is part of why I'm depressed, but not all. That's why I'm starting a new thread about it. I left a message on my Ts cell phone after I called insurance, then at night I sent her 2 emails plus a link to an article I wanted her to read. I haven't heard back from her yet.

We just talked during my session. I didn't want to do IFS or close my eyes, and I didn't want to hold her hand because it feels "too good". So we talked about that "too good" feeling and what it could mean to me. She asked me a lot about my past. I didn't feel much at all during the session, but afterwards, I felt the world crashing down. That's why I sent an extra email saying how depressed I am.

I've never taken meds but maybe I need them. I feel like I hate myself because of my pattern of going from one unaccessible person to another, ending with my stream of Ts. That's what we talked about. It's pathetic. I'm not happy with myself at all right now. My T thinks EMDR will help, and maybe it will. I'm not so sure anymore, if anything will help. I was deluding myself to think that holding her hand would solve my problems. If she can't help me, then that's it. I said that Bt was going to be my last T, but Kt offered me new hope. Maybe what I'm doing now is the real work of therapy and that's why I'm so depressed. I'll see what my T emails me.