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darkpurplesecrets · Aug 25, 2010, 02:11 PM

For days it seems words have escaped me but not deep inside where emotions and feelings seem to scream at a loud volume. Trying hard to bring my thoughts down to this paper but it is anything but easy. I look over at the window where raindrops slide down the glass, almost like a mirror, as tears fall down my face. Sometimes almost seeming to mix as I look out the window of my mind.

There is a sadness that fills me and I feel another so close----almost too close as if looking out through my eyes. Fighting to stay present yet knowing I am a step in and a step out, not really sure which way I feel safest. Is there really a place such as that? Safe. Sometimes I can almost touch some feeling of safety or is it that I want to so bad the thought grasps onto some part of myself that is searching.

Time seems to go so fast yet right now it almost stands dead still. I feel myself so afraid and unsure of my own thoughts. Part of me seems to be fighting to come together to somehow understand, another part terrified to even reach beyond themselves. Wanting to do right for us all but terrified of the very threats that are so real and present. A tear rolls across our face from one who is scared to death and who is so close I can feel her shake.

Thoughts come and go sometimes so fast as if scared to even be heard, others seeming to float slowly stalling out, reinforcing the very fears we want to get away from. Then the real thoughts of the words spoken that scream “Listen” but you wish anything but to hear them. Words spoken as plain as these words written make it impossible to turn away, seeing the same eyes that once sent one deep within searching for a way to survive.

Dreams, what do they mean and where do they come from? For the past several nights finding myself lost and desperately trying to save many not old enough to save themselves. Waking up several time to go right back where the dream left off. Never making it to safety or through the storm but trying to protect at any cost. Many times looking into the face of one seeing my own starring helplessly back at me.

The storms outside the windows in my dreams un-relentlessly pound but no safety ever really gotten to. Those within the dream laughing, hurting, threatening, seeming so real and I awake shaking wondering if what they are saying I will never be saved, belong, or be connected to anyone or anywhere no matter how hard I try is true. And I am really scared.

The daylight comes and you are unsure of the night before or maybe you did not want to be. Silence comes over you in waves and even if you want to talk there seems to be no words present. At times, they seem to be screaming out within but never hit the air keeping the silence remaining. It is even hard to make eye contact afraid someone will read through the eyes that feel heavy to even look up. What is this shame pulling one away and what is this silence echoing back nothing and this fear will it ever go away?

Why do we push away the very one’s we cry out for in the silence of our minds? Why do we fear the safest place we have ever known? Why does nothing scream louder than the very words we need to say? As the night fills the sky once again, fear begins to take hold gripping a little tighter with each minute that ticks away.

Silence fills the room except the low drone of the television. Part of you feels as though it huddles into the safety of the cover in your mind where you’ve gone so many times before, another part almost standing guard as if knowing they need to. And somewhere inside a fear is rising. From nowhere a tear rolls down my face and words recede back into safety.

My heart is racing right now as I sit here almost feeling the darkness reaching right through the glass like it was waiting for me and I feel scared once again.

These thoughts are ones that have been filling me over the past few days. When it rains outside I am able to pull from deep within and words seems to many times come that are being pulled from a deeper place than we have ever been. Words that never were allowed to be heard, or spoken to anyone not even ourselves. Words that mean more than anyone has an idea.

Seeing t yesterday, he was glad that we are being able to reach these words and get them out for the first time. Somewhere inside myself is afraid to post another part wants to. Inside I feel as though I am being torn yet some part of me knows it is important to get this out. Fear covers everything, as that is what was used to control. When someone uses fear to stop even the thoughts and feelings one has and you draw them deep within they still are there just terrified to be heard.

This has been a very tough few weeks as we have walked through another anniversary. Maybe for the first time I myself faced something I never thought possible with emotions I did not know existed. When terror lives within one’s life you do whatever you need to do to survive, even shutting down completely hiding all feelings and emotions in a place no one can touch.

Since Echoes has stepped forth she seems to know when and how to release those emotions that were but kept in a safe place. As she releases those for the first time, I feel as though I am drowning in a place I have never been or known existed. But they had to be somewhere, and I am thankful to her and those within that protected them until it was safe to feel.

dps