OMG I sent an email to my T yesterday and now I will be in huge trouble and she will get angry and maybe even dump me.... I only email every few months or so which is why I have email privileges with her and most of her other clients don't.

I told her she always points out when I am in a positive or chipper mood, but never when I am sad or depressed. It makes me paranoid about why she is pointing out my mood. Is she hinting my bipolar is acting up and I am not getting it? I end up thinking she doesn't care about me being depressed or sad and only wants to smash my mood down. I then was flippant and told her that the lithium was doing a great job of keeping me in mild depression.

TRIGGER ALERT- Death of an infant mentioned.


In the session yesterday we discussed a very traumatic event in my past where a baby in the NICU died of an Ebstein's Anomaly. Infants of mothers who take Lithium are much more likely to get this usually lethal defect than others (even though overall risk is low). The mom is bipolar, her psych and OB just patted her on the head and said everything would be fine. No testing or monitoring was done. This was the first she heard of her child being sick. She was not offered any change in meds before her planned pregnancy. I had long suspected I was bipolar and I decided never to tell anyone because when I had a baby I would be just like that woman. I spared the gory details.

Now I am having flashbacks and anxiety attacks because the pdoc my T wants me to see for meds during pregnancy has a reputation for being jackass. I told my T in the email that nobody was going to abuse me or make me hurt my child just because I am "crazy". That if I hadn't been so weak nobody would know i was bipolar and I could have babies without poisoning them.

Now my T won't love me anymore because I lashed out. I am sorry for ranting and will go away now.