In my last post I didn't tell all what he's been saying and doing lately, since I'm kinda freaking out about all of it myself.. Ugh. I mean nothing bad, just very sweet and friendly and whatever. I'm not used to people being nice to me like that so I don't know what to do with myself.. but anyway:

I don't think there's any point of me telling all this because I know your opinion and I know what I should do, no matter what the circumstances are, but if you don't mind, I'd like to vent anyway? Because most of this I don't want to talk to my friends about.. too personal for me or something.. and it's just really hard sometimes dealing with all of it alone. Well, first of all, I don't remember how the conversation started, but he was telling me that he doesn't really like that many people and only spends the bear minimum time with people he doesn't like but has to deal with. I said that I never do anything unless I want to, or unless it at least leads to something that I want. I meant that in general, like, if I don't like dealing with some people and there's no "profit" in it for me, I just don't do it. Well, he asked if I had some endeavors about him then, and I was like errrr.. He said he thinks he'd rather be in the wanting department, than in the having to tolerate to get something. I told him I enjoy his company, which I thought was neutral enough. He said it's nice to hear that, though he didn't see himself all that entertaining since he doesn't know how to smalltalk or whatever. I said I find smalltalk boring and pointless, and I rather just stay quiet, but that most people find the silence awkward. He said I can be quiet with him, if I feel like it. Later in a different conversation (after I had gone for a hike by myself with my dogs, and ..LOL.. updated my fb status that I had stopped to just sit down for a while because I had felt like just being there) he added to the previous, that when walking with him, we can also just stop and be, like we can just be quiet. Yikes, right?

Then another time, he sent me some youtubelinks of some agility courses, and my computer was acting up, so I said I can't try watching any of them because it might lead to my laptop taking a short flight against the wall. He said it's better if I have a working computer or phone, incase there's some acute need for him to reach me. I said there's nothing wrong with my phone anymore (my cats spilled a glass of water on it some time ago). He said he never calls people though, except maybe at 3 AM in the morning if he's drunk, but that I probably wouldn't mind since I'm at work at that time anyway, and joked that he might in the future call me like "neeeeeerrrriiiiiiiiii, the taxi line is soooo long, please come take me home" and naturally it would be accompanied by confessions of love and promises to pay "in nature". I said I'll be expecting his call then. *At this point I'd like to remind everyone that I was trying to be something I think he wants me to be, and say things I think he'd like to hear from me, actually I was getting uncomfortable by the way the conversation was going, I didn't want to reject him by asking him to stop, nor did I want to make it "worse"* I also said I didn't mind driving him home, if he didn't mind waiting for three hours (I finish around 6 am) though standing in line for a taxi would probably take less time. He said maybe he could company me at work instead. I asked if he would sit in the crate with the dogs, or up on the car roof, cuz there's no room in my car anywhere else. He said he would ofcourse sit on my lap! Well it went on like that for a while, then he said he very rarely drinks though.

He's been very "chivalrous" aswell, one time when we're supposed to go agilitytraining together, but there was a slight miscommunication about the time. Apparently he had sent me a confirmation that 1pm is fine with him, but I never got it, so I didn't go then, and kept wondering why he doesn't answer anything. Like 45 minutes later I texted him that did he even get the first message, and he answered that he's there already, and was I coming or what. Like I said, I didn't get his confirmation message so I got totally pissed that he "blew me off" like that and thought he's a total jerk He texted that I should get moving, but I thought I wasn't gonna go at all since there was no point anymore. I moped around at home a bit, but then I realized I might aswell go, since I had everything ready etc. I didn't expect him to be there anymore, but he was, though it was closer to 3pm by then, and he didn't leave either, until we did. So not a jerk... He also gave me his notes on the Foundation Jumping DVD's without me asking, and when I had doubts that they would let me compete in our agility association's unofficial member championships unless I've enrolled myself to work in the beginners class beforehand (the competition is free, but everyone who competes also has to work, I compete in advanced class so I should work in the beginners'), he said I wouldn't have to worry because he would make sure I get to compete no matter what. I'm not sure he'd really do it though, but I can believe he would.. There's other stuff like that aswell that I just can't remember right now, he's always really kind and helpful towards me.

Now he has asked me out for a lunch once, but I said no because I panicked and didn't think I could handle being with him just the two of us, face to face, eating for crying out loud (I'm very self-conscious about my weight and I think I look like a pig when I eat) and worse yet: without my dogs! They're kind of a mental crutch for me, I probably define myself through them, because I feel like I'm a total nobody when I don't have them with me. We went for a walk the same day though, it took about an hour, and he said it was too short. He has gps in his phone, and he said there's a lot more potential hiking grounds around there so we could go exploring sometime and make the route longer. I wondered if I had time to go there myself the next day to check it out, and he said I shouldn't because I don't have a compass or gps, and I might get lost and I can't be so mean to him that I'd go and disappear.

Phew.. so that's some of it, there's more but I'm getting a carpal tunnel syndrome. It's probably obvious he really likes me, though I don't know WHY.. And I know he knows I like him too, but I don't know what his intentions are or what's his level of pursuit.. Meh.. this is torture! I know in the long run it would be better for me to just stop all communication, and I know I could handle the "detox" period, but I can't do that to him.. not now But worry not, I have an even more effective male repelling weapon at hand, I can just unleash my neuroses little by little and he is sure to run for the hills...