Haven't been around much lately. I'm not sure why. I haven't felt like I'd be of much use to anyone so I've been staying away. My self-esteem plummets more and more every day, which is weird because I do not feel depressed otherwise. Not in the usual way. I don't think about how I feel, if that makes sense. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to really sit down and feel anything beyond my own business. I have two sets of grandparents to look after, three younger siblings, a job (but not nearly enough hours so I'm broke), and I'm taking my GRE exam tomorrow. I'm probably not ready for it -- I haven't studied nearly as much as I should -- but I am looking forward to just getting the stupid thing over with. My parents (90% my dad, really) have been on my back about this exam for the past YEAR. I can't think about things that far in advance!!! My dad doesn't get that, because he's a natural worrier. He FRETS, and he doesn't understand people who don't. He fixates on something and won't trust me to make my own decisions without harping on about it, and I know it's juvenile but the more my parents bug me about something (even though I know they have good intentions), the less I want to do it. It's getting to the point where I can't walk into the same room as them without being asked about my GRE, grad school applications or what I plan on doing with the rest of my life. "I don't know" is apparently an unacceptable answer. It is also unacceptable to base my decisions on what will make me happy (or to stay away from things I know will make me miserable). I understand that I need to graduate, get a job, earn a living and start a life. But after coming so close to ending my own life, my priorities have shifted. It's essential to my health that I do something I can at least tolerate, because regardless of the eventual payday I have spent the past three years studying for a degree I'm not interested in, and if I can't have at least one good year doing what I WANT to be doing -- whatever that is -- before I get into something more permanent, I'm going to explode. There has got to be a way to put bread on the table without making myself miserable in the process. I just need to figure out what that is. But factoring "will I be happy" into the equation apparently doesn't worry my dad, who just thinks I'm being immature. I think I'm trying to look after myself and keep out of the dark place I barely escaped from the first time around.

I'm so ready for the summer to end because I need to get out of my house and get back on my own and get some breathing room. I know I'm never going to come to any decisions about my life while there are people trying to push me in different directions. I've tried to tell them that but I know that my parents are just worried about me. It takes everything I have not to get angry at them for doing what parents do. I'm entering my final year of university this fall and the very idea scares the heck out of me because I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get out. I don't even know what country I'll be in ... Canada, the UK, the States ... I don't like not knowing. I don't like not having a plan. But every time I try to look ahead, everything gets so fuzzy, almost like there's nothing to see at all.