Hi everyone. I'm kind of brand new to this whole support group forum thing. I'm still not entirely sure if I'm ready or willing to listen to or accept help from anyone yet. I've never been in therapy regarding SI, and I've been able to keep it hidden or at least keep up convincing stories for most of my friends and family. Right now I'm not looking for help or trying to stop. I guess I'm just trying to allow myself to open up about it a little more.

My SI definitely comes and goes. When I first started around age 11 or 12 I kept my episodes concentrated to concealed areas of my skin (upper thigh mostly). It never seemed or felt like a big deal to me; it was always just something I did. I would go months without even thinking about doing it, but I don't think it was ever really not a part of me. I generally kept my episodes to one or two scratches, usually with safety pins, and then I'd be satisfied and put it away, and I wouldn't go back to it for weeks or even months at a time. As I got older my SI started getting more intense, and creeping into more visible areas (lower on my legs, shoulders, forearms).

I have yet to really figure out my major triggers. Often when I begin to realize that I've grown attracted to someone, I get an urge to SI, maybe to give myself a reality check. I have pretty low self-worth (which I'm always working on) so I feel like if I mess myself up that'll give the person from whom I want attention one more reason not to approach me; damaged goods. I try to keep a safe distance from everyone I talk to; I don't like getting close to people, it scares me.

SI has never been something I've done out of sadness or depression. Usually I'll be fine one minute, but the next my brain kind of shuts off, and when I come-to I've got marks all over my arms. I'm aware physically of what I am doing, but mentally and emotionally there is nothing attached to the act until after the episode. I rarely derive satisfaction or relief from the act anymore; now it's more like guilt, shame, and a sudden lurch of fear: "How am I going to hide this one? What story can I use this time?"

This summer I met another self-injurer. She is open about her manic depression and has scars all over her forearms. She seems to be a kind of ticking time-bomb, very unstable, constantly on a rollercoaster in regards to her moods, and she causes me a lot of anxiety when we are around each other. Seeing her forearms sent me into a very weird place. It was the first time I'd really seen an obvious sign of SI on anybody but myself. The day I noticed her scars I went home and SI'd the most I'd ever done all at once. When I was finished, I didn't feel shame or satisfaction; I didn't really FEEL anything. But really, I just wanted more. None of them really bled, but it's been a couple of days and the lines are still there, raised, scabbing. I am a little nervous about someone noticing and asking about them; I don't know if I'll be able to explain this episode away.

That's pretty much my story. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing here but I'm hoping reading other's stories can help me out in some way. Thanks for reading mine.