Dear Lou,

If I want someone else to end the struggle for me? You know, dear one, I have learned very young that I would have to survive on my own. I hardly ask for help and when I do I feel guilty for it. No, I don’t want anybody else to have the burden to end my struggle. I do appreciate the caring, kindness, guidance, wisdom that people is giving me in here and I do accept it with open arms because I know where I stand and it’s not in a good place. But the struggle inside of me remains mine because nobody else have live my life and what have hurt me or is hurting me right now might not hurt somebody else. All, in the end, will depend on the person itself. It will always be my choice at the end.

For the part of the abuse? I try so hard to see the goodness in people before anything else. I give chances after chances to some. I try so hard to find a reason for this kind of behavior. I try so hard to understand. I try and I try. I have a strong willpower. I get so sad sometime because I know deep down these persons are not happy. (I am talking about my abuse not anybody else abuse. I am not here to judge anyone for who I am to judge anyone).

This struggle is always inside me. It just sometime it comes out really strong taking over my whole mind and heart. My only defense against this struggle is to block it and it is not always easy to do. But I know this is my way out. Until I can do that I need the goodness of the people in here because I don’t have any in my life. I need to know there is goodness in this world.

Thank you dear one for you’re caring! I appreciate it!

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