I am very sorry for all you have been through. It's not fair - it shouldn't have happened. I struggled (and still struggle!) with this for many years. It's going to be a long journey to be able to enjoy sex, but it's definitely worth the work.
"I want to be able to have sex (with a guy I love); I want to be able to share that with someone. I don't want any more relationships to be thrown away because they can't go without sex for long enough to let me trust them!"
Reading this, I really have to add that someone who loves you will not throw the relationship away because you are not ready or not comfortable with having sex! Someone who loves you will care about your needs, and be willing to support you and work with you, and wait for you.
I know how frustrating it is - I still get angry for myself! But trying to rush it, or force yourself into doing things you're not ready for will just make it worse. Try to lend yourself some patience. You are doing the best you can.