Suicide is never a better option than making a few changes that will improve your life greatly. If you are getting more and more depressed I don't know if you are already on antidepressants but if not consider getting on some. Talk to a counselor and or therapist. They may be able to help you get things going for you to be able to accomplish all the things that need to be done. A big thing that you have already done is step number one: realizing what issues you have and that things need to change in order to go on with a good life. That is one of the most important steps. I'm glad you see that and aren't in denial which can hold you back. One thing is to stop berating yourself for being human. We all do things we shouldn't do at some point in our lives. It doesn't mean you are a loser. You are at a crossroads I think you know which direction to take. Make that big scary step and make those changes that will ultimately bring you happiness. Keep posting for ideas and support. That's what we are here for.