I'm so fracking spent. Coming off Lexapro is by far the hardest thing I've ever, ever done (mentally speaking). It has thrown doors wide open that I never knew were there, and I never wanted to know what could be on the other side. But now they are open and I am paralyzed. I can't tell which way is up anymore, I don't know how to react to anything - what will be an over reaction, what won't be enough, you know what I mean. I don't have it in me to fight but at the same time I don't have it in me to be rational either. Kids, husband, dog, strangers - all cower before me. When we were young we thought that power would be fun right? It's not. Ruling through fear is not fun. It doesn't feel good and I don't know how to stop either. Lots of random yelling-ness. I'm unpredictable, and volatile, and mean, and tearful and frightened and small. It's all I can manage to get out of bed long enough to prep the kids' day and come home and go back to bed. Nothing is working right, in my head or in my heart or in my life. I feel lonely and abandoned even though Hubby is by my side. I don't know what to do with myself so I sit outside all day and I smoke. I can't read, I don't have any focus. I can't watch a movie, I don't have any focus. I can't follow anything with a plot. I can't even think 5 minutes ahead about what to make for dinner or to do a load of laundry. Self-hygiene? What's that? Thinking about water pinging my skin off the shower head makes me cringe. I do it as little as possible without becoming odiferous. It's too much. Everything is too much, everything. It takes 20 minutes to get dressed because I can't even make the move to open the dresser and pick a shirt. Breathing is too much. I don't know which direction to turn. Nobody gets it, I look OK outside I guess. I put up a good show. Even here most of the time. But I'm not ok, not at all. I don't have a pdoc I can trust or rely on anymore either. She's still my pdoc but I'm needing to find a new one, bad. You can guess how that's going. I am not thinking of S, I don't consciously want to die I just don't wish to continue. Does anyone here understand that? That distinction? Does it make sense in type the way it makes sense in my head? i dont' know. I dont' know what makes sense and what's jibberish. And i don't know who to talk to and even if I did, I don't know if I could.

See you in chat I guess.