Hi everyone,

I haven't started a thread in a very long time. I have become very scared of doing so. I am worried that no one will even care to even read what is written as they see the name next to the title, and if read no on will say anything. I know this is my problem, and not anyone elses and am not saying that.

I have begun to feel that I don't belong here anymore. Meaning PC, but am having the thoughts of don't belong anywhere too. I have been giving this a lot of thought, and have wanted to post this for a while now, but have been really scared to do so. I know I shouldn't care so much as to what others may say, but I care deeply about what others say and I know that I am not the only one that has this.

I have been struggling back in the depression "mode" if you want to call it that for about 3-4 weeks. Sometimes not so bad, other times it's pretty bad. I have a lot of good things that have happened to me, and so that is why am so puzzled as to why this is coming on now. I have my own appartment now, which it has been over 2 years of living with family, I have my own car as of today as well. So I am independent again and right now I could care less about any of these things. Don't get me wrong it's a great thing that I have here, but I don't feel it is great. I feel I do NOT deserve any of these things. I mean if I had the money to do so I would get in my car and drive and not look back. I just don't know what is going on right now.

I saw my pdoc today and he did adjust some meds and give me a different anti-anxiety med. Who knows if any of this is going to work, but will give it a try. I had to decide which med to not pick up at the pharmacy today cause I don't have enough money for it. It is only $1 and I can't even get enough dimes and nickels together for that. Just makes me sick to my stomach that I am like this. I get paid on the 3rd and hope the med won't run out, but it is going to by then am sure. I know it's only $1 and can ask a friend or my mom or someone to help me out with that, but I have asked WAY TOO much of them already.

I see my T on Wednesday and right now I really have no clue why I even go see her. It's too painful to go. So much has happened...a few people I have known have passed away, and my niece was very seriously injured in an atv accident yesterday and had to have emergency surgery. She is only 5 and very brittle cause she is very small for her age... I just feel so bad for the suffering she has had to go through her little life so far. She was adopted from China and had spina bifida (sp) when born...has had surgery and has to wear a diapper the rest of her life and be cathed. She will be starting kindergarten Monday with a pink cast on her left arm.

Wow, am just rambling on and on. Didn't mean to post this much, and am really sorry to bore you all. please forgive me. i am very sorry.

Anyways, to anyone that listened thanks and am sorry this really didn't make much sense.

Jen