my abusive ex has so much power over me still

I was not ready for the divorce but my lawyer and therapists forced me to promising good things and everything

now my parents are against my reconciliation

my abuser tells me i was misled and that he is not that bad

our couple's counselor is on his side

my therapist is against my reconciliation

and I seem to be still blinded by my abuser because i want to reconcile

i cannot handle being divorced and custody and all alone and getting old and dying

it is too much and too long work to do to heal from abuse and leave him and i do not have that time

and I am completely isolated and alone whereas he has an incredible support network around him

sometimes i believe him fully and trust him and other times i sense he has not changed and nothing can be right between us

i will be miserable as a single divorced parent

i don't have any confidence or self-esteem to handle it

i am so very weak and vulnerable and terrified of aging and dying and paralyzed by fear that i cannot cope with not reconciling

it makes me more miserable though

I wish I had an adequate support network in place

in these two years I have gotten much worse

i know i should let him go but I can't