About a week or so ago, my husband complained about what I write about him here. I don't know what he thinks I write about him here. I didn't think that I was saying anything wrong. He referred to some comment in chat announcements where I referred to what he was saying or doing that involved me while I was hosting a chat.

I think that I have mentioned that we are getting divorced. The kids know about it now. I didn't want it to become public knowledge before we had the chance to tell them, because that would have been wrong.

It took me a very long time to decide what to do. I haven't been happy for a very long time - maybe not ever, going back to way before I even met him. I wanted a chance to sort out my life and who I am, and I'm not turning out to be the person he wants me to be.

What was a question of trying to stay or trying to leave became a question of giving up on myself or trying to exist. If I don't choose to exist, I will be only a shadow (as I have been) or i will die.

My reason not to suicide has been that I couldn't work out how to look like it was an accident without risking harm to innocent others. I have stopped caring about H getting insurance money. He seems to want me to stop existing.

If I agree to leave with nothing, or to let H make all the decisions, I would be agreeing to stop existing. It is hard to write this next sentence because I have never believed it. I'm trying to believe it now. I do exist. I have the right to exist. It is time to start living like I do.