i understand what you are all saying, sorry ww my second post was a lashout not intended for you,

obviously i am not going to say anything about his moms infidelities,
i have told him i had no choice but to leave, he asks why, i cant answer without ragging on his mom, so my silence only reinforces what his mom has said about me.
i have told him it is her that is stopping him from seeing me more and that i send letters and stuff, he never gets them he told me.
i will move back to london if i had the option to see him more, but i dont, i have told him this already. i am only 4 hours away by train i told him, if he calls and says he wants to see me i can be down the same day i explained to him, mom wont let me use the phone to call you he replies.

every time i see him the questions are already getting harder to answer and i cant say ask your mom, because i KNOW she will turn it all into my fault, i feel like i cant defend the things she says about me without ragging on her, but enough is enough,

the people who know me in this forum know i say it how i see it, yet with my son i can say nowt in my defence without putting some if not all of the blame on his mom,

i have tryed the email thing, even suggesting i talk to him at a specific time every day on instant messanger, i even offered to buy him the pc and pay for the internet so i could speak to him for 1 hour a day, she point blank refused to do this, i have bought him books and read them to him on the visits. i got him one of my childhood favourites, in hardback and audio book form so he could read/ listen to them by himself, knowing i have read the books and i was the one that gave them to him,
i know i am fighting a battle that i have already lost everytime i see him because i see him 2-3 times a year and the rest of the time she has full control over who he sees and what he hears, i know he as asked to see me and she has said she cant get in contact, he has told me this, she has had my email address since the day i left, and i keep a mobile phone so she can contact me in case of emergency, noone else has the number of the phone and she never calls it, i also gave my son the number but she wont let him call it,

i am doing everything in my power to see my son and yet it is still not enough, she is waiting for me to give up, something i will never do, she is going to have to get a court order for that, yet she knows if she does when my son is old enough and wants to see me and finds out my side of the story, what or who is he going to believe then? and is he like me going to blame the parent whom said nothing or the one who told him lies?
because my dad told me nothing at first then lied i did not see him for 12 years and only then to bury him, truthfully i still hate him and i dont want my son to feel the same about me for not telling him the truth or worse not saying anything at all.