hey. i think... i get a similar feeling. when i'm upset then it is like i want other people to know how bad things are for me. because i think they need to really understand or get that before i'll be heard. before they will be able to connect with me. before they will be able to help me. and so... my distress can be pretty intense... but then what happens... is that other people pull away from it because they don't want to 'catch' it. and sometimes i feel them pull away and my distress gets worse and then there is an unhelpful cycle because i start thinking WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY OR DO FOR YOU TO HEAR ME!!!

but i think...
that people pull away because... if they catch the feeling then there are two people in a bad place. neither of you will feel particularly connected to each other if that is the case. and... other people can't make it stop. they can't change it for you. they can help - but there is something that you have to do with the help that they offer. i don't know... it is hard for me as well.

but, yeah. i feel it like an emptiness. like i'm transparant and there is nothing inside me. i think thats why it is so easy for me to catch other peoples. and sometimes mine are so very intense too...

i think it is that... i never managed to internalise other peoples good feelings about me.
because... other people never really did have good feelings about me.
they never listened to my little hurts
and so i learned that i had to scream to be heard
but other people will withdraw from screaming
and what i most want is to feel connected.

i don't know...
just talking really.
but i think... i understand the feeling. but i'm not sure... whats to be done.