Well guys, I got to see my T on Wed and Thursday this past week. I really needed that. This Wed I will see my father for the first time in 3 yrs. He was a primary abuser. I haven't seen him at all since my memories surfaced.

Anyway, my T doesn't want me to see him, but I really can't get out of it without hurting my mom deeply. They are passing through on the way to my half-sister's wedding. My sister's full blood brother is not even going to attend because she is having my dad walk her down the isle. Most of his kids don't forgive him for the many violations he did. But I decided I will see my dad and that I will stay silent about what I know because he will have all these excuses lined up (they know I am in therapy but think it is for other stuff and so it is like he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.) (( That makes me glad my dad is feeling that because now he knows what it was like for us kids growing up! )).

Anyway, my T is standing by me through this, but he told me that honestly he thinks or fears I will fall apart. When he said that, it just made me internally more resolved to NOT fall apart because I want to prove him wrong and I feel that he still doesn't know me. And I feel like I have a need to prove myself to him as being stronger than he thinks I am. He sees me when I am in my low state. He doesn't know really what I look like when I have my fortress deep and mighty built up all around me.

But the cool part was when he told me that it was his stuff - that he saw me like a little sister and he wanted to protect me. I had younger brothers while I was growing up and so I felt the need to protect them (but couldn't protect them from dad). So this is like I feel that someone actually has my back in all of this. T was even getting upset thinking about my dad being around me since he knows all the horrors that no one in the universe knows except T. I was actually soothed very deeply by this. It was like the battle against my dad was not just mine any more. It was like I had someone in my corner for a change! Wow. That took my stress down about 75% !!!!

Isn't it amazing how just having another human in your corner can make you feel so much stronger? So when Wed comes and next Thursday, I will be facing my dad but will look him in the eye and he will know without me saying a word that I know. And I will be standing up to my abuser. And it will not be just me. I will be standing there as a survivor with my T telling his abuser the facts of things. And I will stand there on behalf of every child who was abused and all of you guys (anyone who wants me to stand there for you and confront your abuser too).

With this type of work that I will do, I know there is going to be a massive sense of freedom and victory that will result. So if you want to send me a pm or reply on this post and say "Stand up for me too!" I will do it and will keep you in my heart and soul as I make this stand.

Peace and Joy to all of us :-)