GL,
If I read your posts, I see that you are asking for support only through this time. It seems to me that you understand the decision, but are having a very hard time dealing with it. It also seems to me that you want to work on the behaviors that led to the decision. That's my focus here for you as I understand your post.
I will do what I can to help you with your posting style and to "stop and think" before doing so. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you'd like more suggestions than what I've given you here.
You WILL make it through this. I'm sure of that. And, with a little help, possibly never have to go through this again.
KD