First, I want to say that I think DID is a complete bunch of horse puckey. Second, I seem to have it. It's an embarrassing thing to me. I don't wish to have groups and places for my "littles" ..aw ain't that cute ? I don't want to become a member of the new fashionable trend in middle aged mental probelms just to give me something to do. I want answers. I want a cure. I know, I have just offended half of you at least. Unfortunately you will just have to decide to not like me. I'm a pathological truth teller, it's OCD, heavy on the "compulsion". I'm not going to change what i just wrote. I am not aware that i have "littles" but if I do, I'd pull them out through my nose if i could. All things cute nauseate me..and frankly this site reeks with cuteness. I am not bashing anyone for their choice in coping mechanisms, I am simply explaining that I won't be doling out hugs in brackets nor do I want any. The truth as it is for me, usually gets censored. Does it make me angry ? yes and no. Does it usually get me banned ? yes.

I was always told i was merely highly compartmentalized. It never explained the missing time...but hey..I was'nt the doctor here. I've always had to go to the free county mental health services who want to call you schitz and send you away with a few bottles of pills. Most of my symptoms that seemed schitz turned out to be Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. Found that out a year ago. I am 46.

I finally got to go to a real shrink. Not often, but as often as my BF can afford. My shrink has credentials out the wazoo and is also a hypnotherapist. I chose him because talking and drugs have never helped me. I thought hypnotherapy might. I also chose him because he worked during the same time, in the same place, as the shrinks who gave my mother ECT/experimental drugs while she was pregnant with me in 63/64. I figured he'd have a better grip on what was going on with me. I was right.

Now that I have found such a shrink, I am moving of course. The place I am moving has nobody with his background or who does hypnotherapy in my area. Although..my shrink recommended that i call a dr. in the same state who's name is Richard Kluft. Said he was one of the world's experts in DID. So, I got on the internet to find his phone number and come to find out, Kluft is heavily involved in some tv show called 'United States of Tara'. I don't think my shrink knew this when he recommended him. I called anyway and got an answering machine that said " due to the volume of calls"... ugh. I left a mesaage asking for recommendations to any of his collegues in my new area, but have not received a call back. I'll have to tell my current shrink about Kluft's status and perhaps he can recommend someone else. It chaps my arse to no end that i am finally diagnosed correctly when a new hit show about DID is on tv. Oh yah....I'll be taken seriously now. (slaps forehead) The poor man is probably being called by every bored middle aged housewife in the country.

With the impending move from a safe wonderful house in the country to a slummy apartment in the city, I'm not sure how or if i will be able to maintain any type of control over my problem. I am already having dissociative slips from the anxiety of anticipation. Living with people on paper thin walls on both sides of me is something I have not done since I was about 21. I also have a problem with oversensory stimulation which triggers the TLE..so I'll be battling chronic anxiety/panic/TLE/DID/PTSD slash slash slash. I'm engaged. I wonder if i will be a few months from now. I'm terrified.