I feel like a failure because this thing has brought up so many symptoms that i have worked so hard to master.

I feel as I did way back then when I had no idea I had bipolar and my moods and symptoms were all over the place. It is bringing back painful memories of not only that, but of other things and feelings I had that I didn't understand. It is bringing back all the confusion, all the paranoia, all the memories of the things I realize now were delusions. I don't know why I never sought help way back then. I look back now and I would be willing to say that I was unstable and suffering from forms of psychosis. It is painful. It is stuff I thought I wanted to remember so I could work through it, but couldn't remember and now it is flooding me.

I am afraid that I will have to go to the hospital again and I really can't go. I just have so much going on with school starting next week that I have to be here.

It stirs up all my insecurities about who I am and why I am having such a hard time keeping it together.

I can just imagine them talking about me, how gross my house is, How bad I looked and how I smelled...