Before an event, my anxiety makes me feel paralyzed and still, and I tend to hide out alone and talk myself out of attending. If I actually make myself go, then after it's over the "exposed" feeling is overwhelming.

I either go over what I did "wrong" again and again, or I distract myself from those scary thoughts by pacing, flipping through the internet, starting a fight with my husband, or driving aimlessly. I just feel very agitated, scared, and energetic. Like if I'm too still the fears will catch me.

I just came home from a kind of meet and greet--one of the scariest things in the world to me. I am trying to focus on the positive. Today I slowed down enough to post here. I enjoyed talking to people, kind of. I saw people I like. I fulfilled my commitment. I beat the anxiety enough to leave the house. I was mindful enough to notice that it was hard for other people, too. This can be dangerous. If I really think I did a good job, that can make me feel anxious, too, because I'm scared I can't live up to that the next time! ahhh

Right now my heart is racing and I just feel wired. I hate that I have to keep fighting the anxiety even after I "beat it" enough to go. I want to tell my body, "hey, the danger's over---relax already!"

I'm not sure what to do to calm down. Does this sort of thing happen to anyone else? I don't feel like my normal methods will work very well for me in this state. Like journalling could just be a soapbox for my "shoulds."