Well, just got up. Stayed up this morning after getting off work and watched DVD's. Did not ride bike. Mondays are always hard. I guess because I have three days off, and for me, unstructured time is scary. So, it's after 8pm and I just dragged myself out of bed. Missed the 8pm round of meetings.
And I would like to go the the 10pm. Correction, I need to go to a meeting, and that is the last meeting today. I need to get out of the house. I need some place to go. And, I need a social life. If I sit at home tonight I know I will go into a slump.
That being said, I had a weak moment. Surprise. And called him. To get my key back.
HA! Who am I kidding? Man, it is depressing to know just how weak I am.
Anyway, he answered the phone, and says that he threw the key away, plus he threw everything else away that I ever gave him. He sounded really down. I felt angry, but did not say anything. What is there to say? He is opening up the ten, although usually he does not go on mondays, but says it is fine if I go as long as I leave him alone. Which is what I always did in the past, but I said okay. It was a one minute conversation.
So, that was it. Sometimes, I guess there is no such thing as closure. But, it sounds like this is going to have to suffice.
So, I feel angry. Because he doesn't have anything. I mean, I bought him alot of stuff. A set of dishes, clothes, bedding, shoes. He should have kept all of it. But, aside from that, I feel sad. That he could not keep the good parts of our relationship, not just the stuff, but the good that we tried to do for each other. I mean, we did love each other. We did try to be there for each other, as best we could. He reminds me a great deal of my ex-husband, who did the same thing. Why are Leo's like that?
I know it is not my job to figure it out. The only thing I can do is get up, get dressed, and try to keep on living. People make light of my "issues" in AA. They say that everything can be fixed by the twelve steps. Maybe they are right, but it is hard when I am constantly making more mudpies to step in.
Now I have to decide, do I stay away and skip the meeting and isolate? So, that he is okay? I think this is the right thing to do. In AA, they have a saying, "Do the next right thing." It is sounds simple but it is not easy. The right thing to do is to stay away from this guy who is hurting. I am hurting too. All I want to do is hold him and I know that for both of us all this pain would go away. It is not about the sex. It is about knowing that another person cares whether you live or die. When you are dating, and calling or texting each other every day, it is an affirmation of life. It lets you know that you are alive and loved. Without it, I feel empty and invisible. But, this void inside me that I asked my ex to fill, is something that I am supposed to fill myself.
That is the problem. I don't know how. In AA they say that God is supposed to fill the "hole in the soul". I have a really hard time with that. I don't have that. I wish I did. But I don't. I am in a bad place.
For me, the solution is action. Get out of the house, go to blockbuster, call a friend, meet for coffee. I am not going to the meeting. I know it is what I want to do, and therefore probably the last thing I should do. Better to stay home and ride the bike, watch a comedy, and just not create any more drama.
Drama has such a negative connotation to it, but it does create emotions, which lets me know that I am alive. Today, I have to choose another way to let myself know I am still here. What is that song? Alive and kicking? I am alive, alone and hurting. But still here. And not going anywhere.
All I can say is thank god I don't drink. Because in a slump like this with pain like this, before I got sober I would have been in a really bad place and doing stuff that was stupid. Before I would have gone to a techno bar, popped some pills, had a few shots, and who knows where the night would have taken me? Or stayed home, gotten drunk and high, and gotten morbid and suicidal.
But those days of self-destructive behavior are behind me. All I know is, no matter how bad I feel today, tomorrow is another day. My mom called me today and we are supposed to go hang out tomorrow. So, that is something to look forward to. Right now I just need to get out of my own way. Sorry to run on. I am so stupid. But, I knew this day was coming. The only thing that put it off for seven days was this website. And it is still saving my ***. Thanks for listening.