I'm down. I have no idea when it happened or whether it's the result of my life or the depression creeping back up on me. I can no longer tell the difference from general life stress dampening my mood, and depression. So I have no idea whether I just need to sort out a few things, or if maybe my meds need adjusting. I should probably get back into therapy but I see a counsellor and a psychologist at school and I don't start back there for almost a month. But for now, just to get it out of my head, the current lowness triggers are these:

1. My boyfriend moved away. 22hrs away. We talked about it and long distance isn't going to work for us, so we're done. Neither of us wants to be done, but it's the best thing for us both. He's so far away from here, and when I go to Scotland there will be an ocean on TOP of the 22 hour drive separating us. It just wouldn't be feasible. We spent our last night together Friday night, and we cried so hard on Saturday that we could barely say our goodbyes. I miss him so much it's like a chunk of me has been torn away.

2. I left/lost my job on Friday. I worked for a woman whose business was failing and who essentially blamed me for her own disorganization. It was kind of a mutual termination. I was barely getting any hours there -- when I was lead to believe I'd be getting a lot -- and she was getting progressively moodier and difficult to work with because of the stress of a failing store, which she has ultimately decided to close. I don't care so much about losing the job -- it won't ruin me, I have another one -- but before I left my boss laid into me about the lack of sales I made (we were lucky if we got 2 customers per day), making a difficult customer angry when I said I didn't know where my boss was and he wanted to speak to her (she said she'd be gone 15 minutes and was gone 2 hours, then he complained that I was incompetent), never being able to find anything (she rearranges absolutely everything in her store at least once a week, including the supplies and paperwork I need to do my job, which I wind up wasting a lot of time searching for and usually holding up customers in the process), not knowing the sizing of the clothes in her store (she makes all the items and has no real system for her sizing and prices so unless you're HER, you have no way of knowing for sure what/where anything is). As she was laying into me I didn't say anything. I may have even agreed with her at one point. I'm such a doormat. I let other people walk all over me, and when they get angry with me -- whether I deserve it or not -- I have no spine whatsoever. Afterwards I could have kicked myself because she was being unfair and NOBODY would have been able to do a good job in those conditions and I wish I'd told her so because I've been wanting that satisfaction for a long time. I know I did my best. I know that I'm a good employee. I know that I was on time and got my work done DESPITE her making it so difficult most of the time. And I know that in the long run, this summer job doesn't matter at all. But every time I close my eyes I can see her laying into me and I feel so small, so stupid and useless and ashamed. I keep going over it in my head and it's really bringing me down.

3. All of my friends are starting to go back to school and because my school starts a month later than the ones here, I have about a month to sit around by myself. Unless you count my family, who are more stress than I can handle sometimes. I'm sick, and I went to see my doctor who says I have a virus so I need to rest. She knows how busy my life is too, so she wrote the word "REST" on a big piece of paper, underlined it twice then drew a whole bunch of arrows pointing at it. She said, "You're on the go all the time. You never listen when I tell you to slow down but DO IT." I came home and told my parents what my doctor said and they just laughed. They think I don't do ENOUGH. I'm exhausted all the time. I want to go back to school because although it's stressful and I'll have assignments coming out my ears and grad school applications to complete on top of that, school is actually a BREAK from my life here. I love my family but they run me ragged and I really think it's taking a toll on me.

Well, that was a long bout of whining. If you read all the way through, thanks. Feels good to have a place to vent.