I talked to my T this morning, but I don't feel better. We are going to work some more tomorrow in our session.

I wonder if my brain chemistry was teetering and this incident was just the last breeze needed to tip it over.

I am losing my mind. I went out to walk the dog this morning and I felt like I was being watched. It was burning right through me. Every sound made me jump. I couldn't wait for him to do his business so I could get back inside. I thought someone would jump out and kill me.

My world has become unsafe. I remember when I was in college and I walked around campus either feeling like some undiscovered, but tortured genius, or that I was unknowingly involved in some sort of crime, or that I had to see my boyfriend's ex so that I would know if he had been with her. (he lived two hours away because he graduated). I had the same feeling then as I have now.

I tried so hard to do what I was supposed to do, i.e. go to classes, appear normal, but inside I was screaming. I needed to hide. I spent a lot of time in my room with the door closed and I knew that everyone thought I was weird. I checked the peephole before I went out to make sure no one was in the hall.

I feel that way now. That same lonely torture and confusion, a roiling drama inside my head, but needing to appear normal and low-drama on the outside in order to be accepted.

I want to just let it take over. Maybe it is who I really am and if I don't deny the feelings, if I let them take over, I will be OK. Only I know it doesn't work that way because the rest of the world wouldn't understand. The rest of the world won't let me give up. I am so tired.

I am sorry for the drama and all of this.