Getting awareness of all of you takes time and an awful lot of therapy. So many here will relate to how things are for you right now. Yes most of us have been there too, most of my childhood is completely blank, therapy filled in a lot of that and it was worthwhile but extremely painful.

I don't think it is about control as such but getting the awareness through therapy, talking, sharing and doing some things that you may feel are 'silly.' That being allowing the child to express feelings that seem alien right now and starting to stay present.

The forums can be a good place to write, look back at posts and go, "Wow! Who the heck wrote that!" But it is all learning and you gradually become less afraid of 'going away.'

You are on a healing journey, I'm happy to help, support, answer questions or give those lovely hugs that you adore so much!