((((bitterdregs))))

Thank you for posting. I have a hard time with this as for so long I did not even know others were stepping out or taking over. Things were done and things were bought that would not even fit me. I lost so much time that I did not know where I was or how I was not. I was lost many times and had to call my t and ask how to get back and the panic was so high that I was terrified.

I have been told that I am not what I am. I have faced many that do not believe and tell me to just get over it. It was not until three years ago that I even began to really get co-consciousness. It is not something easy or that all wanted at first at all. I fought it and was terrified to really know what they had to say.

So many times they would come out and talk to others and tell them parts of what they knew. I knew nothing of it and felt stupid and shamed at the fact that they would talk about me and I did not remember it. I could not cry nor could I feel any emotion except shame and guilt and fear and terror. And they made it worse and I felt like I was going crazy and that I was losing my mind.

Over the last really year, I have began having co-consciousness with those within my system. What helped me as a child to make it through childhood and adulthood until now is hurting me now as an adult. When I am unaware of who is out or what is taking place it allows harm and attacks to happen. It allows me to feel crazy and lost.

I have worked hard to have as much co-consciousness as I have. It has not been easy and it has not been fun. Getting to know those parts of myself that kept me alive has been scary. Do they post here on the forums? Yes they do. And yes I am ultimately responsible. I have a hard time allowing them to post and we have gotten colaberation going so that we know when someone is wanting to post and someone within can make sure it is appropriate to post.

Sometimes they cannot post what they have written for it is too much and could trigger others. Mostly I post about feelings and emotions that are happening for me. Many within post about questions they have about "What is Love" or Sometimes about how I am within scared. My posts are about how I feel and what is taking place deep within myself. About trying to get co-consciousness within and about the fear of it all.

It has been a very long year for myself and all within. We did not know all of each other for the longest time. It did not happen over night, and there are still many within that I am unaware of. Nothing made sense and sometimes when I had a memory or something and would talk about it I would be sometimes told that they already knew about that from someone within. It would really make me upset and I felt really dumb and embarrassed. I did not know that anyone already knew.

Finding out that the others within myself were there for me when I could not be and that they did for me what I could not do helped. It was not until I accepted them as parts of myself that I began finding that ability and desire to even want to get to know them. I at first denighed and tried to make this go away. I asked my friend to please tell me I was faking so I could figure out something else that was wrong that could be fixed.

I did not want to be DID and I was told that I was faking and I taught myself to be DID, and that I just needed to get over it and give it to God, that I was possessed. It did not work that way. My parts are real and I am DID and I had to accept that before I could even begin to go on and find any kind of help or understanding. I had to realize that they are part of myself at those ages when I could not handle what was going on and that they were very important to me to survive.

Now that we have co-consciousness we can work toward safety and giving them new jobs to help keep the system safe and to have some control. It is not easy nor is it something I want to be but it is what I am and working with my system for the better of myself is healing. We are on a long journey and it is going to take a long time to get all the pieces to come back together as my t told me today.

We are all walking this path of healing together. Some of us are just starting and just beginning to even know why and what we have. Some are way ahead or working on that healing that is towards the end. But many of us are right in the middle somewhere. When those at the beginning are stuck and get off the track others are there to encourage, share, listen, support, and lend a hand.

When those of us get off the track or fall down we are there to reach out a hand to those and to help them to stand again. Sometimes we have to carry them until they can get their footing again. We all are here to listen and help one another and though we are all on our own journeys we do not have to walk it alone. When someone hurts we all hurt. We all have been where someone is today and it is those times we can share and encourage those that ask.

No man is an island and we have been left an island for so long. I am glad you are here and that you are asking the questions you are asking. Though at times they hurt it is because for many we remember those same feelings and being told we are nothing and we are not really sick, or we are faking or we are not letting go of the past. When all we needed was someone to listen and not judge, to care and not push, to encourage and not ridicule.

Take your time as you are walking this path. I encourage you and all to ask what you need to ask and reach out when you need to reach out. We all started out at one point and are walking towards the same goal----healing. Thank you for posting and I hope I have made some kind of sense. Right now I am hurting and trying to find myself too. As I walk this path many have reached out to me and have offered their hand of friendship and support.

Now we offer our hand of friendship out to you and others that are asking. If we can help in anyway we will try. This was not easy to write but it was on my heart and it comes from a place of searching myself and knowing that if we search and ask we can move forward however small the step. Sending you gentle hugs if okay.

dps